It's all part and parcel of the whole mommy gig
It’s amazing to watch Autumn grow and develop. Every day I see something new that I hadn’t noticed the day before. This weekend I bought her a new pacifier clip shaped like a bunny. I noticed last night that she couldn’t take her eyes off it. She sat in her swing and stroked it repeatedly until she fell asleep.
Nathan and I are waiting for her to roll over for the first time. We’re sure it’s going to happen any day now. We’ve been putting her on her activity mat every night, watching as she rolls on her side, stopping short of doing a complete 180 onto her stomach. She just hasn’t been able to get that far yet. I told Nathan that we should face the fact that we may not even witness her first roll-over because it might happen while she’s in daycare.
Daycare is the bane of the working mother’s existence. It’s hard to leave your kid in someone else’s care all day. It’s like a heavy dose of guilt with a weekly bill attached. Every morning when I drop Autum off, I tell Carol when she last ate and that’s about it. Sometimes we chat for a bit, but most of the time it’s quick in, quick out. I want to linger but I can’t. I want to keep looking at my daughter but I don’t. Most of the time I just turn around and leave because that’s the only thing I can do. It’s like ripping a band-aid off really fast so that it doesn’t hurt as much.
While I’ve come to trust Carol, I can’t help but feel jealous at the bond she’s formed with my daughter. Carol notices things; some that I miss and some that I don’t, but most of all she has this relationship with Autumn that I’m not privy to. This morning she greeted Autumn with her usual “hello, boo-tee-full!” and then asked, “how’s my baby girl?”
Wait a minute. She’s my baby girl.
Unfortunately we’re not yet at that point financially where I can stay home with Autumn. I’ve thought about becoming a licensed daycare provider just so I could be home with her and still make a living, but I really don’t want to look after anyone else’s children. It takes a special kind of person to be willing to stay indoors with a house full of kids all day. I couldn’t do it. It would drive me batty.
I guess that’s where I’m conflicted. During my maternity leave, I was able to feel what it would be like to be a stay-at-home mom. Autumn and I had a routine that mostly consisted of her sleeping while I watched TV. I knew that if I was to actually stay home with her full time things would need to change. I would need to start engaging her and get her mind working instead of catching up with Briscoe and Green on “Law and Order.” Once I started thinking about that, a feeling worse than guilt started setting in; relief.
I was relieved to think I would be going back to work and that some of the pressure would be off me to be the mommy. I could get a part of my old life back and it would be someone else’s job to feed Autumn, change her diapers and soothe her when she’s cranky. How horrible is that?
Of course when I finally went back to work I missed Autumn terribly. I was depressed for that whole first week and cried almost every night when I went to bed. Actually leaving her was so much harder than I ever thought it would be. Now I just try to make the most of what time I do have with her. Even then, there are moments when all I really want to do is read a book or take a nap.
I guess what I want is something that gives me the best of both worlds; a fair amount of independence coupled with more time with Autumn. I don’t know if that’s even possible. Maybe it’s asking too much. Is it too much to want it all?
Nathan and I are waiting for her to roll over for the first time. We’re sure it’s going to happen any day now. We’ve been putting her on her activity mat every night, watching as she rolls on her side, stopping short of doing a complete 180 onto her stomach. She just hasn’t been able to get that far yet. I told Nathan that we should face the fact that we may not even witness her first roll-over because it might happen while she’s in daycare.
Daycare is the bane of the working mother’s existence. It’s hard to leave your kid in someone else’s care all day. It’s like a heavy dose of guilt with a weekly bill attached. Every morning when I drop Autum off, I tell Carol when she last ate and that’s about it. Sometimes we chat for a bit, but most of the time it’s quick in, quick out. I want to linger but I can’t. I want to keep looking at my daughter but I don’t. Most of the time I just turn around and leave because that’s the only thing I can do. It’s like ripping a band-aid off really fast so that it doesn’t hurt as much.
While I’ve come to trust Carol, I can’t help but feel jealous at the bond she’s formed with my daughter. Carol notices things; some that I miss and some that I don’t, but most of all she has this relationship with Autumn that I’m not privy to. This morning she greeted Autumn with her usual “hello, boo-tee-full!” and then asked, “how’s my baby girl?”
Wait a minute. She’s my baby girl.
Unfortunately we’re not yet at that point financially where I can stay home with Autumn. I’ve thought about becoming a licensed daycare provider just so I could be home with her and still make a living, but I really don’t want to look after anyone else’s children. It takes a special kind of person to be willing to stay indoors with a house full of kids all day. I couldn’t do it. It would drive me batty.
I guess that’s where I’m conflicted. During my maternity leave, I was able to feel what it would be like to be a stay-at-home mom. Autumn and I had a routine that mostly consisted of her sleeping while I watched TV. I knew that if I was to actually stay home with her full time things would need to change. I would need to start engaging her and get her mind working instead of catching up with Briscoe and Green on “Law and Order.” Once I started thinking about that, a feeling worse than guilt started setting in; relief.
I was relieved to think I would be going back to work and that some of the pressure would be off me to be the mommy. I could get a part of my old life back and it would be someone else’s job to feed Autumn, change her diapers and soothe her when she’s cranky. How horrible is that?
Of course when I finally went back to work I missed Autumn terribly. I was depressed for that whole first week and cried almost every night when I went to bed. Actually leaving her was so much harder than I ever thought it would be. Now I just try to make the most of what time I do have with her. Even then, there are moments when all I really want to do is read a book or take a nap.
I guess what I want is something that gives me the best of both worlds; a fair amount of independence coupled with more time with Autumn. I don’t know if that’s even possible. Maybe it’s asking too much. Is it too much to want it all?
